Restructuring

In September, my journey with Engine Yard came to an abrupt end as the company went through restructuring. I did not see it coming.

I immediately made Rebase my full-time job as there was plenty to be done. About 36 hours after wandering home from the after party, I was on a plane for the week's holiday that had been punted to the only available slot between conference and work commitments. It was fantastic. The first time I'd taken a week's holiday in nearly 10 years and it was 100% guilt free. Places like the castle below were like designer's catnip – I loved it!

And then I came home. And people around me went to work. And I didn't. And then it all started to hit me.

Crash

It felt like my body just crashed. I was unwell, physically and mentally. I had finally stopped and was starting to process everything – being let go and unemployed for the first time ever, having no structure on my day, having no idea what I wanted to do next or how long I could survive without work. And of course adjusting from having two busy, demanding projects to zero.

Talking to my trainer about it a few days after I got on top of the physical bit, he went into detail about how stress and anxiety affects the body physically. It's fascinating and frankly, quite shitty.

I've been slowly rebooting since.

Training every second day, catching up with friends and family that had been neglected for the past 2/3 months or more, stretching, walking, reading, breathing, spacing out.

Shame & fear

For the past 10 days or so since that session, I've been feeling gradually better, physically at least. I've had friends say "wow, you are just oozing chill" and "you look great" in surprise, which makes me dread to think what I was oozing previously.

Before I was made redundant, I had a loose plan to take a few weeks off between jobs at the end of the year. To catch up on reading (mainly around design), be fresh and full of energy and ideas for my next challenge. I was in denial that it was also because I had started to hit burn-out in my job and needed to take time out and move on to something else more than anything.

And here's what's bugged me since realising that:

Why am I so ashamed to admit I just needed a bit of a break? Is the fear of diminishing my chances of finding a new job because I'm being open about all this really justified?

This sucks.

Only you can take care of you

Many can't justify the expense of a personal trainer. I'm thankful I could for a little while as it helped me in ways I never imagined, especially around how to manage stress and understand what it does to a human body in the short and long term.

The most surprising benefit of these training sessions for me was having someone to offload everything to once a week, guilt free! I'm not talking about confessing how much tasty bread I hounded at the weekend. I'm talking about "I didn't sleep well for most of the week", teasing out why it happened and how I might be able to avoid it happening again this week.

It doesn't take a genius to recognise you don't need a personal trainer to get troubles off your chest (though it worked for me!) What I want to emphasise is how much it can help to offload whatever is bugging you, getting you down and maybe stopping you from getting a good night's sleep. If chatting to a friend works, go with it. Don't rule out talking to a counseller or even your G.P. – try it out and see what works for you.

And how it's ok not to feel great all of the time. And it's ok to take a break every now and then, whether that's for a weekend, a week, a month.

I'm going to keep struggling with that last bit over the next while as I get my portfolio together and figure out what the next adventure might be. Taking your own advice is rarely easy.

As they say where I'm from, mind yourself.

Braaaaainnnzzzz!!!

Reading posts and articles that were prompted by Geek Mental Help Week gave me the guts to write about my experience of the reluctance to look after and talk about our mental not just physical health. Thanks to those who started it and continue to make it happen. Thanks also to those who have taken the time to talk openly about their experiences.

We can only benefit from being more open with each other.